Life Happens While You Are Busy Making Plans

It's starting to take shape.

If amorphous is a shape.

It is to me. By now you know that.

Might not be images decorating the border of pre-school walls. Or, molded perfectly for the green-orange-purple plastic Playskool form fitter where triangles, squares and circles drop neatly through perfect holes.

Or, fluffy clouds floating gracefully in cerulean blue skies. Changing. The black-green swirly ones bruising the sky causing thunder, ground strikes and worse?

What about that blue ink blob you tried not to stare at yesterday seeping from inside of the bank teller's breast pocket of his short sleeve button down petroleum byproduct shirt?

Or, a delicious scoop of pale green mint chocolate chip ice cream melting down the sides of a sugar cone on a hot, humid July afternoon.

All shapeless? Not in my world. Use imagination to weave the story. After all, this is mine to tell.

Changes. New energies. Alternatives. Strategic possibilities.

A new dimension. Gently recommended by my wise, perceptive friend. Toltec philosophy. Evolution and expansion of my eclectic belief system which already encompasses Judeo-Christian tenets, Native American wisdom, Tibetan Buddhism teachings. Changing. Incorporating ancient Latin American perspectives into the mix.

My weekend readings poignant.

Friday, April 23
Seven of Swords

Time to consult with others. You are a truthful person, but others do not always want to hear the truth. Honor and willingness to stay and face the music. You will not run from a situation just because it is uncomfortable. Someone needs to know that you are there for them.

Saturday, April 24
King of Swords

An articulate and intellectual man who is very capable in leading others in business and life. A mentor. Possessing a Solomon-like wisdom and commanding authority. A man of high moral standards and principles. Someone to be trusted in all things. Committed to the greater good.

Sunday, April 25

Ace of Cups

Continuation of love and creativity. Spiritual healing. New relationship on the horizon. Powerful creative energy harnessed for new ventures. Emotional fulfillment. Happiness and vitality. Support from community of new artistic ventures. Partnerships.

This plan of mine. My journey through my sixtieth year continues to evolve. Expanded. Embracing new opportunities, destinations, convivants.

C'mon, cosmic dealer, hit me again. Make it a good one. And keep me on this roll. To fate!

Carnival Gypsy

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Step right up! See the amazing chestnut haired gypsy pivot on the edge. Watch her stand precariously close to the abyss. All for one shiny quarter. Roll back pricing to when things went awry. A veritable bargain. The 1980s price of a bag of M&Ms.

C'mon in. What are you waiting for? The show is beginning. See the stunning woman behind the curtain teeter and catch her balance. Watch the marvel of a zig-zag career unfold before your very eyes. See the effects of a crooked journey lived between two parallel lines. Arcing this way and that. Jagged. Will she tumble? Fall into the money pit swarming with slithering monsters? Wobble? Vacillate? Or, be fortunate? Regain her composure. Pirouette gracefully and find her way.

No? Not scary enough? It is to her. But hey! For an extra nickel she'll take a spin on the wheel of fortune. Don't miss the most nerve-wracking show on this slice of earth. Her fate in her own hands. One shot. All or nothing. Can she do it? Reverse this nasty trend? Either way this is the greatest act on the midway. Be entertained. Amused. Watch her take yet another risk.

Okay. Okay. I am not a freak on the midway of life. Not yet. The carnival barker safely at bay for the time being. But it's not totally out of the realm of possibility. A slight divot here. A bit of a waver there. The scales of justice not quite level. It can go either way.

But hey ... my addled brain cannot absorb much more see-sawing. So, I am doing what any insightful woman on the edge would do. I am consulting the cards.

Nope. Not a trip to the closest casino. That would be Foxwoods in Connecticut. Nor a jaunt to Atlantic City for a romp along the cheesy navy blue Boardwalk, past seedy yellowing Marvin Gardens and gritty pale Ventnor Avenue. No peeking at the Goren Bridge For Beginners and accompanying deck, dogeared not by me but my Mom who thinks it would be another arrow in my quiver. Another skill to add to my already overflowing CV. And most definitely not the worn out pinochle deck of my grandfather's I have in the mildewing cardboard carton stored somewhere in the dark, damp dungeon that is my basement.

Have you deduced which cards? A few of you have it figured out. I have consulted them before, hesitatingly. That is why you are my friends. You get it ... and for the most part me. So without further ado ... drum roll please ... the card of the day (she says trembling omniscient with both fear and eager anticipation): The Wheel of Fortune. Da-da!

Yes, faithful readers, the wheel of fortune has begun to turn in my favor. Giving me a needed boost. My projects can now enjoy great success. Soon I will be reaping benefits. Yay. I can handle that news. A cycle is continuing and its not the spin cycle on my aging GE washer. The interpretation goes on: "Success. Unexpected luck. Happiness. Something new is emerging and will bring new and exciting energy. Opportunity. Have faith in what is happening at the moment. Divine forces at work to bring good fortune into your life. Trust in the cycle of life. Possible new money on the way."

Nouveau riche? Hell, that would be fine with me. Coins are good things. I might even flip one tomorrow.

Cheers! Let the games begin ...

B and J: Textured

I don't even want to go there. A crone? Bah humbug. Marginalized. Cast to the side. Barren, unfruitful, disagreeable. A hag, no less. Well! I know better than most. That my mothering days are drawing to their rightful conclusion. A mama, yes. Just not needing to fuss. To nurture. Not nature. To love unconditionally as I puff his wings and give them loft.

But a dried up ol' prune? I am indignant. What happened to 'the new 40s'? That I was getting into. Really looking forward to ... reliving my forties with wisdom and a sense of adventure. Maybe that's it. The wisdom part. Not the disgruntled, wizened part. That's what I will glom onto. To raise my glass in good cheer ... a protective figure advising the young travelers of what lies ahead. A woman of the mist. Leading the way to good fortune. Wisdom. Yes! I'll buy that.

Even Tarot concurs. The High Priestess. My reading this morning.

[I know. I know. Throw the mystical deck far, far away! Seize the moment. Not the card. But somehow I cannot. I love the intrigue. Fitting the interpretation into this journey. Day by day. So shoot me. Or ignore me. Just know that I am gonna keep up with the occult. You just never know! And today's? Well it is a dead-balls accurate assessment of moi. And these, after all, are my musings.]

Anyhoo, it goes something like this: Feminine wisdom encompassing three stages of the life cycle - Maiden, Mother, Crone. Wisdom that considers all things, all religions, all viewpoints. Openness to the world view without judgment. Divine truth. The letters B and J represent two columns, one black (Boaz), one white (Jachin), in the Temple of Solomon, the wisest man of his time. Nothing is completely black or white. All things must be considered equally. A strong and wise female presence. Trust in intuition or gut feelings.

And ... I am not only trusting of my gut, my innermost analysis, but am a study in contrasts. A walking paradox. An oxymoron. Yin and yang. You know that about me. No need to elaborate. Been set forth multiple times since this wild ride began with the new year.

The I-Ching. Yin-yang. Composed of two Chinese characters. The second character means a book, a profound book. The first character means ease or change. "The Book of Ease" or "The Book of Changes". Nothing is easy for me except change. I relish it. Seek it out. Celebrate it. Life in chapters encompassing both sides of the coin at different times. Navigating the peaks and valleys with relative facility. I am happiest and most at peace in flux.

Rich coffers. Empty wallet. Highest honors. Underemployment. Masculine. Feminine. Unchanging rules within the cycles of the sun, the seasons. One cannot live without the other. One cannot experience the joys of life without knowing the depths of misery. Hand in glove. Seamless understanding. Shades of grey. Black as night. White as the brilliant stars shining.

Cheers ... to the dichotomies within each of us!

The Fool C'est Moi

The fool, the wide-eyed innocent of the Major Arcana, begins her journey on a new path with the willingness to step off a cliff into the unknown. She brings little provisions with her, ready to create or find what she needs along the way. The sun at her back, her dog to accompany her, the fool's carefree pose stands testament to her search for the new adventure, to the faith she has in herself to forge a new path.

Okay. Okay. Mme. Tarot. I hear you. Loud and clear. I know. I'm dawdling. Complacent. Settled into the routine of shorter days and frigid grey wind-whipped skies My 59th past in a blur. I get it. Enough dilly-dallying in the rest area on the side of the road. What the hell am I waiting for? An engraved invitation on Mrs. Strong's elegant hand beveled, custom color bordered 100% archival cotton note cards? John Beresford-Tipton at my door with that check for one million dollars? A push from my inner self? Yes. That's it. Moi-meme seulement. La fou. Une forte je. Inspiree. Pret. Ensemble. Allez. Ready. Set. Go.

Back to business. Winter's hardened grip loosened. Spirits brightened by milder days and ample sunshine. Jeans promise to fit comfortably in a few weeks time. Wanderlust kicks in. Airmiles in hand. Fodor's at the ready. Research complete. Nerves steeled.

Next step? Mid-March completion of CELTA application for ILA Vietnam in Hanoi. September. The next stop on the superhighway of my well-traveled life. These pages will keep me honest. On track. Okay. Here goes! Places to go, people to meet, adventures wating to happen.

Cheers ... and an extra olive for good measure.

Independence Pass

Eight of Swords: I know. I promised not to keep doing this. Sharing my daily Tarot readings as if they actually influence me. Or worse, impact my planning. But this one ring's true. The truest yet. Not about my fortune, or lack thereof, but about me. What makes me, me. And it is scary. Dead balls accurate. A knife (or rather swords ... eight of them) into my core.

You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself.

So okay. Today's card nails it. Pulls the curtain away from the wizard. Reveals my Achilles heel. Anti-dependence. My wall. Six bricks thick constructed high protecting me from what? I truly cannot remember. Disappointment? Failure? Being told what to do? How to do it? No one paying attention? Having to compromise too much? Losing myself? Or, have circumstances over the past two decades (yikes ... my 40s and 50s) required my every attention to detail, total self-reliance and full immersion into the independence required? And, my Aquarius self relishes?

Now what am I going to do about it? This is tough. The toughest for me to wrap my head and heart around. But the one I need to scale in order to proceed directly to GO so I can collect that $200. Must tackle this one. Grapple it to the ground. Own it. Absorb it. Let it wash over me.

My up-to-the-moment mantra: Let others in. Really in. Find my 'go to' person. Tour, not guide. Allow my fates to float on the wind. Give them loft.

I have known this always. Just reluctant to let go. To depend. Not co-depend. Just be able to rely on a trusted friend. A love. Without holding back. Let myself fall from the table top into the arms of my allies. To trust. That is the kernel. The epicenter. I need to be able to trust again. To let the wrecking ball slam into the wall breaking it apart, brick by brick.

A Chinese proverb states boldly the teacher will come when the student is ready. I am ready.

Tomorrow ... yes ... tomorrow. Cheers!

Just the facts, ma'am? Well, not quite.

Promise my musings will not be inspired by daily Tarot readings. Promise! Silly, really. And besides, Tarot cards frightened me. Big time. Who wants to know what is lurking in the background or right around the corner. Not me. But ... this is BIG. Really big. And, the one the other day ... Eight of Cups Reversed ... shocked me into reality. Should I really do this? Can I really do this? Raise the funds? Find a loving place for my beloved Bailey? Turn off the water, the electricity and 'winterize' my porous antique home? Head to the other side of the planet into the unknown? Is this temporary? Permanent? Decisions. Decisions. Details. Ooooh. Too many. Daunting.

Gracefully traversing the back nine as the best me, requires preparation (as every female over a certain age knows all too well). And plenty of it. Much more than tossing a toothbrush, clean panties and a bathing suit into an overnight bag. Tools are needed. Lots of tools. Whatever stocks Lowes' shelves. Home Depot, too, just for good measure. The Barney's shoe box that doubles as my tool box holding one hammer, two screwdrivers - one Phillips, one flat head, a pair of pliers and rusty nails circa 1976 needs real help. Think of this as a shopping cart into which I can pile a leveler with that floating bubble in the thing-a-ma-bob, a stud finder and some furniture glue.

Here I am, jump-starting my quest for rediscovery. Need the universe in my court. The wind at my back. Not a typhoon swirling me toward the tsunami heading in my direction. Indulge me. Straight faced, please! No whispering behind my back. If you have something to add, just let me know. A fatalist, I'll take whatever. A realist, I'll expect nothing. An idealist, I am filled with hope. Wow. Hope? That in itself is monumental. Thought I had misplaced that with my kahunas.

So, here goes. Turn the card over. I just might peek at tomorrows, too ;-) So, with fingers tentatively perched on the keyboard I scroll through my browser's Favorites and * poof * click the hyperlink which transports me in a nano-second to ...

The Six of Swords! Wahoo! I am once again headed into the sun. The light. My adventure aloft. Time to travel. Move to a new area, perhaps by or near the water. A change of pace and scenery. A slowing down. This part of your journey needs reverence and thought. Pick up the pieces and move on. Regained health, but it's been a slow process. Take slow methodical steps. Keep your chin up, this is a time of recovery. Sadness, but not depression. Coping. Hope is renewed. A reversal buoyed by the universe, confirmed.

Dare I? Tomorrow's? Why the hell not? Double-click: the Strength card. Yes! I know this one well. My strong suit really. Derived from years of navigating challenges through the looking glass from one Mad Hatter's tea party to another. Courage begins to bubble up again from the fount in my core. Strength and fortitude. From energy follows thought and action. Power that is respected. Quiet control of oneself and others. Need to bring strength from deep within and continue on in face of adversity. Strength of mind as well as body is needed. Difficult tasks ahead. Focus on all goals at once. Control of all resources at one's disposal. Ability to do what is needed when time is right. Knowing oneself and one's gifts as well as one's weaknesses.

Okay. Finally connected, committed to this dream of mine. You know? This life change feels right. I am at the ready. Can straighten the hem. Iron out the creases. Gently adjust the drape of fabric over the form. Tack sequins here and there. Add a bit of ric-rac, a velvet ribbon a touch of lace or a tender button. Begin to fully clothe the journey. Dress it in style. Design the next step in this journey of mine. It's mine. I shall wear it proudly.

To the universe: Cheers! Until tomorrow.

Something's Gotta Give

Three of Cups today. Return to normalcy. Friends. Positive vibes. Happiness and light. Relax in the moment.

In the moment? Relax and take it all in? That seems complacent. What about my plans? My (re)newed lease on life? Wanderlust propelling me to accomplish something for the greater good. Hmmm. I fear that I am in love with the IDEA of the journey. Must not get caught up in the illusions.

Note to self: Examine the reasons I have put my plans to attend ESL training in Hanoi on hold. Is this indefinite? What lays behind my indecision? Lack of funds? Lack of focus? Lack of gumption? Fear of getting out of my comfort zone for real? My mind is spinning ... and so is a concrete strategy. Stagnation has all but halted my detailed, fact-based, time line for the steps toward relocating to Vietnam in January. It is now January. I am not in Southeast Asia.

1) Is it lack of resources? The inability to maintain my village home while I am experimenting as an ex-pat in an emerging market? My remaining consulting clients dropped by the wayside five months ago evaporating my cash flow.

OR

2) Was my decision to attend ESL training in Vietnam because at the time I felt my son, my heart, would be starting his career in Hong Kong or Singapore? At least we would be in the same hemisphere able to celebrate holidays and enjoy spontaneous weekend visits. He'll know in another month or so where his career path begins.

OR

3) Am I wavering between teaching ESL anywhere in the world and micro-lending opportunities in Africa or Asia. The latter a natural segue from my professional career as a financier and venture capitalist; the former retooling and full immersion into a developing economic landscape.

You know? I want to do them both. Successful completion of the grueling CELTA training adds another arrow to my quiver and can provide an income stream ANYwhere on the planet. Teaching business English to entrepreneurs and executives conducting global business transactions will open the doors to the local financial community. I am no stranger to networking and becoming integral to economic development. My resume speaks for itself. I have done this before. Albeit in this country. But a stranger. A duck (read: single woman with child) out of water (read: in a red, good ol' boy state that hadn't ratified the ERA) ... but it worked. It was a success. Now I am on to something.

Cheers ... until tomorrow.

It's in the cards. Or, is it?

Now I am confused. Totally bewildered by the readings of my Tarot cards for the past two days. Yikes. They are diametrically opposed.

Yesterday my Tarot card applauded this boundaryless journey of mine. I was emerging into the sunlight unencumbered. Downright positive, actually. The World: Fulfillment of one's dreams and hopes. The World is literally at your feet! The journey that began with the Fool is now complete with the World. The universe's energies are at your command now. Act with bravery and confidence that what you have worked for is here. The end of a long journey. Completion. Reward. Accomplishment. Time to enjoy the fruits of your labors. Success and attainment. The sum of all things coming together to work for same cause.

Today's jolts me back into the inertia, the paralysis that has gripped me of late crippling my confidence to move away from my cocoon and into the new life paradigm that is bubbling up inside pushing me forward on a new path. Eight of Cups Reversed compromises my new-found confidence: Stay where you are, this is not the time to be searching for anything or to go on a trip. Patterns need to be broken. Rules of relationship have been broken and need redefining. Time to let others in to help as you cannot do this alone. The journey you thought you had to take is uncertain. Perhaps everything will be okay.

Tomorrow who knows what the universe will reveal by way of direction. I need to sort this out. Delve deep. According to The World my journey has ended, overjoyed to have emerged into the light, whole and satisfied. But that cannot be. I am still at the station awaiting transport which will speed me along a redefined super-route to greater self-fulfillment, leveraging my attributes seasoned over more than half a century to enrich the lives of others. I am not at the end. No, I am at the beginning. The intersection, the juncture that will lead me to finding my heart. Aligned to my true north.

Yes. Need to correlate the two. Figure out the message. Learn from it. Explore my past. Come to terms with the events good and bad. Integrate them. Bring forward the lessons. Discard the inequities. Tip the bloody Eight of Cups back on its base. Identify the patterns that need casting aside. Bring co-travelers into the inner circle. [Ooh, that will be difficult. I have become so self-reliant, my independent nature soared to the uber-sphere. Anti-dependent, really. Managed my expectations to a bare minimum. Not good.] So, I must build a team. Confidants that can provide support, encouragement, ideas, trouble-shoot ... help guide the process. My navigators, co-pilots. Validate the action plan. Breathe strength back into my confidence so I can venture forth into the World. Carry on.

Cheers? Until tomorrow ...